How to be a Mom from a Distance
From Adoption Information
Okay, so I am just months away from giving birth and the adoption agency I have been using is going through a ‘restructuring’ and their office is in a disarray so they’ll do their best with me? Sorry but that’s just not good enough.
Could this be a sign from God that I’m making the wrong decision? How easy it would be to forget all about it. Great for me, but for the baby? He’ll have a mom who will be 53 years old when he’s 10, no father, a brother who is 21 years older, a grandmother who is already in her seventies and would no doubt love him but would only be there for his childhood.
As a single parent I would have to work at one or two full-time jobs, which would put him in child care from early in the morning to the evenings, is this the best for him?
Alexander grew up with a mom working 3 to 4 jobs so he did spend a lot of time in child care and then, at the age of 7, being home alone after school. Fortunately he was good about keeping himself entertained with reading, TV, and using that great imagination he has. Now, looking back, there was a lot he missed simply because we never had any time off to just enjoy life.
What this baby deserves is the best this world has to offer. That means a mom and dad, preferably in their early 30’s, grandparents, brothers and sisters, cousins, aunts and uncles, and the opportunity to experience all those fun things kids do. This little guy must have what’s best for him, it’s all about him.
Actually I want to start using the name Alexander chose for him. Since his name is Alexander Joseph he thought it would be appropriate for the baby to be Joseph Alexander. Joseph, that sounds wonderful.
More soul searching and reality checks resulting in the search for another adoption agency. Such an important thing and, yet, I guess I’ll look through the yellow pages of all things. We’re talking about someone’s life and I’m looking through the yellow pages ??? I don’t know where else to look or anyone to talk to for advice since this is such a terrible thing to be doing. Who can understand why? Yes it would be easier right now to forget about it and raise him myself but I must think about the tomorrows, next year, 10 years, the rest of his life. How cute, a little baby, all cuddly and innocent and smelling like Ivory Snow. Stop. This doesn’t help, does it, then don’t go there.
There is an agency in Orange, for some reason it attracts my attention so this one must be the right one. Do I want to be this close to the baby? Won’t that just be so much more difficult to stay away from his new life? But if he goes too far, how can I deal with that? Okay, that’s it, let me call. Wow, actually had a decent conversation with someone, now we’ll see if they call me back…
Unbelievable, they called right back! Suzy, the owner of the agency, is from Texas and wants to know if I would be interested in working with her agency which would mean that the placement will take place in Texas. That’s somewhat appropriate since Joseph’s father is 8th generation Texan and I spent the first 10 years of my life in Texas and have family there also. Okay, that sounds good.
Next call is from Pamela, at the Agency. Okay, now this is my angel, what a wonderful, caring woman. Our first conversation and I know this is the right way to go and the right person to help me through it. She didn’t make me feel bad or terrible for placing Joseph up for adoption. Actually I always feel bad and terrible that I’m doing it but Pamela tries to convince me otherwise.
So, now I have someone to work with. Pamela sends me packets with several families and one looks like it could work. The mom is young and has already adopted one child so they know the process and are comfortable with it and Joseph would already have a sibling. I meet with the potential mother and, unfortunately, she is definitely more career woman than mom. She has a business in Puerto Rico and says that she would be coming to LA frequently to purchase clothes for her boutique at which time I could see Joseph if I wanted. How can she travel so much with two kids? Oh no, she has a full-time nanny who would be watching the kids. Good to know that now because that is definitely not going to work for me.
This is getting scary, just a few months away from delivery and no parents? So today I receive one more packet from Pamela. A couple who have been married 11 years and are interested in adoption after they have determined they are not able to have children. Oh how cute, pictures from their wedding, with their friends, and, what’s this? A pot-bellied pig !!!!! This tells me right away, they must have a sense of humor. They’re Catholic also which is a requirement and they’re in their mid 30s, sounds good, very good.
Something feels very right about Ron and Carolyn, so I’m going with them. Pamela is really happy that I’ve decided on a couple and I’m so very relieved. Of course, at this point Pamela doesn’t tell me that they just submitted their application and are not expecting such a quick response. In fact they just purchased a convertible and are living in their little studio apartment that is on their 22 acres of land. They are planning to build a house but what’s the rush? Surprise, surprise! Six weeks of pregnancy and now Carolyn’s going to be a mommy.
So they have decided to go for it and I’m already thinking about the day I’ll have to say goodbye to Joseph. That is a recurring thought that always results in crying and deep sobs, will I be able to do it?
There are so many parts of being pregnant that are the fun parts. Buying cute little baby clothes, getting things for the nursery, sharing the great news with everyone, this is what is missing. The greatest thing of all is feeling your baby move around kicking you in the ribs if you’ve eaten something he doesn’t like or if he’s just looking for attention or watching his butt move from one side to another. The fun is putting the headphones on my tummy and playing Alexander’s CD. I think Joseph must like it because he becomed very mellow during the soft tunes and does the jitterbug during the louder ones. Gee, I wonder if he’ll grow up liking music.
The doctor says my delivery date is January 22nd and it will be a C-section. I’ve only gained 12 pounds so that’s a good thing, the only concern is my asthma during the surgery. Since I seem to enjoy having problems even during minor surgery, like not breathing and having my heart stop due to anesthesia counteracting with my asthma (or so the doctors said), there is some concern. Alexander is so anxious about the actual delivery, he has a premonition that something bad will happen. I try to convince the doctor to move the date back since I want to be close to Joseph as long as I can, however, that just isn’t going to happen because she’s concerned that I’ll go into labor and I have to avoid that since it could set my asthma off. She thinks I’m crazy, I guess I’m the only mom who wants to be pregnant longer. She also has a real problem with the adoption and assures me that I am making a big mistake, great, just what I need.
The pregnancy has been the loneliest time of my life with no one to talk to. Alexander just can’t handle discussing it and, even though Pamela is great, she’s not always available.
Leaving work at 8 months due to my carpal tunnel syndrome makes it more difficult because it leaves me more time to think. Of course, the problem with work was that everyone kept wanting to know about the baby and wasn’t I excited and all that. Those that became more than just customers thought the age difference between Alexander and Joseph was pretty amazing and they were curious to see how that was going to work out. Only a few people know about the adoption and I honestly don’t know how I’ll handle things after I come back to work. Oh well, first things first.
So now I have the date and Pamela is making all the arrangements. Ron and Carolyn will fly in the night before and we’ll meet for dinner. The only thing I hope for is that they are perfect, that’s all, they must be 100% in everything good in order to raise Joseph. What will I do if they’re not? They must be, that’s just the way it must be.
It's now 7 years later and Joseph (Joey) will be 7 later this month. We have an open adoption and, in fact, I just spent my 50th birthday with Joey and his wonderful family. Believe me, after all the pain of saying goodbye and not seeing him for the first 3 years the relationship we have now is just incredible. When he calls me on the phone and I hear his little voice say "Hi Modi", that's enough to make me happy and thank God I made the choices I did.
